I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
