I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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