I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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