Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Randomize
