My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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