I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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