A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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