Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I love you. Go after that dick
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
