On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Randomize
