im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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