Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
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