Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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