I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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