He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
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