My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
