I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
