if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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