The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
