Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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