i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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