apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
