96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
