she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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