Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
