On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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