So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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