I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
