Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
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