I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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