i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
