Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
