guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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