Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
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