Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize