I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
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