I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
