he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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