matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize