You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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