I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
