seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
