I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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