I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Don't make out with my wife yet
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
