Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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