Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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