i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
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