I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
