i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
