There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
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