Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
They are going to name an STD after you.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
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