I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
