I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
