and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
