I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize