ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Randomize
