I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
