oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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