My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
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